The Vampire

In the annals of human existence there has never been a creature as terrifying , delusional, and pathetic, as the friendless goth kid who is glued to his computer, otherwise known as “the Vampire”.  Through my exhaustive research into these horrible aberrations, I’ve compiled a list of the best reasons to avoid becoming one of these tragic “creatures of the night”.  Ladies and gentleman, I give you…

The top reasons for not becoming a vampire:

When deciding to join the undead, one has many options to consider, some more pressing than others. For instance, is one attached to sunsets? Does one feel the need for a fashion statement when entering a room? Are wolves, bats, and other disgusting creatures abhorrent to one’s sensibilities? These are all necessary reflections, yet even more important is this: can one live on a warm, protein diet without becoming bored?

Gothic Vampire Ultimate Elite Collection Adult Costume This dashing, fully finished garment includes: a Burgundy brocade vest with attached low sheen White satin shirt sleeves trimmed with antique Silver gothic buttons, dickie with ascot scarf collar, flowing full length Black satin cape lined in a deep burgundy with stand up collar and gothic chain & button closure. Also includes a pair of white gloves and a jeweled medallion on a Red satin ribbon. Pants and shoes are not included.

Perhaps I jest, but it is known that vampires face these decisions. Immortality is nothing when contrasted with these weighty issues.
To my mind, those wishing to be vampires must exhibit certain preferences. First of these, is an abhorence of the light. Upon attaining vampirism, sunlight immediately causes the death. Unfortunately, even sunscreen cannot help. However, as the lack of sunlight contributes to mood disorders prevalent in vampires, the lack of exposure to sunlight can only be viewed as a positive thing. It would be terribly disturbing to see a happy-go-lucky vampire.
Secondly, is formal-wear an inticement? If one is excited by the idea of dressing as a head waiter for eternity, this is moot. However, for some, this is pertinent point. If one is a fan of hobo-chic, vampirism and the accompanying lifestyle would be inappropriate.
Does one feel abhorrence for the lower forms of life? Wolves, bats, insects, and rats are all at the vampire’s disposal. Should one choose to persue that lifestyle, it would be wise to cultivate an appreciation for their good points: loud noises, sonar, etc. Should one be terrified by the thought, vampirism is not a viable option.
And finally, is the idea of blood repugnant? Or does one wish for trifles, such as chocolate, spaghetti, a Big Mac, or garlic toast? Does one’s mouth water at the thought of these things? Perhaps, if they do, it is incumbent upon the victim to choose another path.

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